octoberhorizons

This fact irritates the shit out of me.
Like we turned into parasites or something.
Look at what we've become.

Happy 18th months.
I love you.

TERRIBLY UPSET.
And gonna be for the next few days.

Talk about unfortunate.
I can't see how unfortunate means enjoying your life away with your pretty group of friends.
That sounds SO unfortunate to me.
Seen your own talent?
Wow. Top 2 in the whole cohort.
How UNFORTUNATE.

You've got this killing me slowly inside.
It's all because of you and your sweet wonderful praises about her.
Always defending her and trying to prove me wrong.
If you think she's SO great why don't you just fucking get back to her.

Whatever. I'm just not in a good mood.
BYE.

Don't love me too much

For if you need to go

I can't let you go

At least every other one of you else have something to look forward to.
I have not even one but nothing.

I just want to go MIA for a long time and not talk to anyone.
I just need to alone by myself so bad.

 It was sweet talking to you again.

 It's no longer comforting being with you anymore.

I can count the finger few happy days of my life and leave to think the rest as nothingness.
It was when i started counting; the moment you stepped into my life.






Why is my happiness always short-lived?

 :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

One of those gloomy days when everything right can seem wrong.
This coming year sounds lonely and distant to me.
Fridays are not gonna be quality days anymore.
I think it's homework day.
The rest of the days i'll just come home with a dead beat brain.
I long for a day to myself.

Now I miss my holidays.


& you're just not here even if you are.

It's time I should start striving for real.
I don't want to disappoint anyone.
It's mine if I earn it anyway.
Back to school soon.
It's the final lap.
That means crazier than crazy like hell.
Bless me.

I have been changing for the better and it's not because or anyone or anything.
I still feel the boredom hanging around and I know I can do nothing about it.
Things come to a point of time when you've done almost all you could and not achieve anything more than that.
I don't know if somebody can see it but I wonder how long exactly I can be in good behaviour.

I long for someone to turn to, but there's none of you whom i can.
I've never said this; but I long to have a best friend.
One I could count on, lean on, cry on, confide in anytime, any hour, any minute or second in the day.
I have no one I've met who could do that actually.
I can't find anyone to share my heart of these whirlwind emotions with. Not one.

All I know in this life of mine, I have been trying to see the world as a wonderful place to be in.
I've tried to be happy, contented and proud of the life I have.
Eventually I've come to realize it really is so difficult to see things in this light.
There's no reason and purpose for me to share my life experiences and events to anyone.

I don't feel miserable.
Just lonely at times.
I often wonder how it feels to be out of this shoe.
All I know is the people whom I count on for now
I can't count on them forever.






That's the only reason why I wouldn't leave you
Because I just  can't survive alone anymore.
I'm doing this, for me.
I only have you to count on.
If you're gone, I wouldn't know what to do.

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Losing Someone   You love affection and the people in your life more than anything. Your greatest fear is that one day someone you care about won't be there anymore. You are a very friendly and inviting person, who draws in a lot of friendships with your kind, considerate, and loyal nature. However, deep down you are slightly insecure and unsure of yourself. You couldn't deal with it if you didn't have one of your loved ones in your life anymore. You don't have too much to worry about though, because with a friend like you, no one will want to lose you either!
Being Alone
Disappointment
Commitment
Where Your life is Going
Looked down on
Death
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Wonderful how both dearest people turned their backs on me.
I am so fucking disapointed, I've no words to describe how much gratitude I have to the both of you right now.
It clearly just shows how much I'm worth to you both.
BFF and BF. My ass.

I cannot stop comparing myself with the rest of those better people out there.
It's getting so insane it's like eating me up inside.
I am angry for no apparent reason.
I am such an angry kid right now.



Stupid insecurities.

The very last day to see that geek in the pink black.

I have been very out of touch with this journal since a very long time. I guess i can never be able to cultivate a habit of journalling on a regular basis.

Anyway, these 3-4 weeks have been pretty much like HELL. Its the first time in my entire life i've felt so drained of all the sch workload. My assessment did not turn out as smoothly and well as always, i had 2 resubmission this time and missed submission and resubmission twice. My attitude is seriously going out of hand. So out of hand i don't even know what to do about it now. I've never been and felt like such a failure since my entire lifetime on earth. 

I have been thinking about the same old troubling things and it tells me my mindset about these issues will never change. I am dying to get my fitness level back on track, my good friends to go out with on a frequent basis, and quality time to spend with my family and needless to say boyfriend. I feel the important need to juggle all these in my own hands, but it seems like i never fail to disappoint myself everyday. I've heard that such mentality would go away, but it seems like it wouldn't go for a long time. I feel drained of all the avalanche chores and responsibilities i've to put up with for these 2 years of my life. I wonder when it is all coming to an end or for it to change. I'm 18 this year and I want to feel happy. Tell me about it. I don't feel like i'm an enjoying teenager one bit. I worry everyday about all the redundant yet so crucial things that make and break my life. I envy every single one out there who's better than me in every way. I don't see any light in myself. I don't even know where to go in 1 or 2 years time. It feels like i can't find a reason to live this life. 

I feel like an idiot who's no reason to live.
Say i'm childish or whatever, it wouldn't change my mind.

Maybe I should meet God.


Save me from myself.

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Here is the analysis:

1. You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.
2. You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
3. You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
4. Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.
5. Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

Here is the analysis:

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

Here is the analysis:

Kind and Gentle

Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

You value your friendships: 25%

You value your friendships quite a lot but you don't like to show your feelings to others. You would rather keep your feelings to yourself than share them with your friends. You might get a pleasant surprise if you are more open about caring for people - they will probably let you know that you're special to them, too.

Here is the analysis: (NOT TRUE)

This man is a sporty type. He has a strong heart and easily comes to terms with the truth. He likes sport and physical challenges, and quickly gets bored with routine. As for women, he gets bored if they are too formal and proper. You need to be enthusiastic and ready to be spontaneous as the occasion requires it. He enjoys activities such as bush walking or rock climbing, so to keep the relationship running smoothly you should give them a go.

Success Rate In Relationships: 71%

Your relationship is moving forward. Just don't trip over.

You and him would be typical young lovers. It would not be all sweet and romantic if you got together, sometimes you would argue or get confused, but those elements would only make your relationship more exciting. At the moment you are probably assuming that he likes you, but sometimes you might not be so sure. Don't worry, you can be sure that he also feels the same way. When both of you sense special feeling towards each other, your relationship is certainly growing. What you should do is try to express your feelings a little more and learn more about him. 

I know you hate it when I don't pick up your calls or when I don't wish to have any physical contact with you.
And thats simply because I'm too afraid to hear anymore of your hurtful tones and words that I had to hold back my tears.
That's the part where you'll hate it even more if you could ever see me and my teary eyes.

I really wish you didn't always had to scold and yell at me anymore.